Although I try to stay positive, and am so incredibly blessed, there are many hard things we are wading through right now. It is a struggle, and especially during treatment when my already limited physical capacity is diminished even more, I am often very grumpy, and as Kevin so eloquently put it, I am not my “normal Mary Poppins self.” Ha ha! This may have led to the two of us breaking out into song and changing the words to “Jolly Holiday” with things like: “It’s not a jolly holiday with Lisa. Lisa makes you feel so blue.” Good times :).

It is times when I am especially grumpy and feeling frustrated with my situation, that I am so incredibly grateful for all the reminders of the good things in my life. Or even reminders that this life is not supposed to be fair. On Instagram the other day, John Hilton III shared these slides that read:

“It’s True. Some people get the break. Some get broken. And it often doesn’t make sense. Life won’t be fair. But we can trust the One who is. Look to Christ. Jesus took what he didn’t deserve so we could receive what we didn’t earn. That wasn’t fair.” “Jesus Christ both understands unfairness and has the power to provide a remedy. Nothing compares to the unfairness He endured. (Elder Dale G. Renlund)” “Because of the Atonement, all that is unfair about life will be resolved. (Elder Quentin L. Cook)”

These teachings and so many others are what recenters me and lifts me up when I feel myself sinking. These are hard things that I am dealing with, and although they are not the same, or even as hard as trials that others are facing right now, it is okay for me to own the fact that it is a very hard road I am treading right now. Thank goodness I am not having to walk this path alone, because not only do I have my Savior, Jesus Christ, but I also have my amazing husband, family, and treasured friends.

People often ask me what my symptoms are after treatment. With chemo, my biggest things are that I am so incredibly tired, that sometimes I can’t even lift up my arm to grab my water bottle. I am exceptionally grumpy and find that I hyper-focus on all the things that annoy me – oh, and I have no filter, so I say all the things, and then have to constantly apologize. The brain fog is real and obnoxious, as I can’t remember words, and my words will slur a bit (although everyone is so patient with this, except for me – ha ha!). I feel really hot a lot of the time, like a hot flash that lasts for hours. I will randomly yell out, “I’m so hot!” or Kevin’s favorite, “I’m so grumpy!” And my poor digestive system is a mess, but even though they come with their own side effects, at least the anti-nausea meds have worked well, so I haven’t thrown up. And yes, sometimes I am just so tired, I just have to lay my head down, even if it is at a restaurant – ha ha!

I also have had creepy, and very painful rash in my armpits that began on the second of August. It started as contact dermatitis from when they scrubbed me for my surgery, and turned into a yeast infection that would never go away as my immune system would plummet with treatments. I will save you from seing the pictures, but lets just say that after a few visits to the dermatologist and about six weeks of treatments, it is finally healing, although I think I have a scar now. It did peel like a terrible sunburn multiple times, so that makes sense.

I have also dealt with a tremendous amount of pain. When I had my brain surgery, and later on with my brain radiation, it would cause the most intensely painful headaches from brain swelling. It felt as if my head was going to explode, and that my skull was being crushed, all at the same time. And then the horrible muscle spasms in my back have come back full forse, and were actually extra bad when they were doing the radiation on the tumor on my spine. It exacerbated the pain and made the muscle spasms worse, and making it so they wrapped around my ribcage, making it difficult to breathe or move. It almost felt as if someone was tightening a corset around me. I would often hiss in pain, which Kevin found hilarious, because I sounded as if I was a cat hissing at him. Good times.

Lastly, another thing people want to know, is about my hair. Well, although I have so blessed that the type of chem they use for my cancer does not guarantee I will go bald, it does thin my hair a LOT. And in the areas on my head where they did the focused radiation, I have very large completely bald areas. The first time I washed my hair after chemo, and then combed it, I cried because of the giant handfuls that came out. Luckily, if I am strategic, I can cover the bald spots, and I am very careful about manipulating my hair as little as possible. I only wash it once a week, comb it once a day, keep it in a ponytail in a satin scrunchie, put it in a satin turban if I am going to rest my head on a pillow or something, and sleep on a satin pillowcase. It is helping, and I pray that I can keep enough of my hair at the end of all of this, that I can make it work.

So yes, there are some very hard things, and I probably could have made a giant list, but there are also some incredible things that have happened recently. One of which was that Pamela was able to visit us again a couple weeks ago. Wow, it was such a blessing, and she didn’t even mind when I hissed like a cat every time I moved – ha ha!

This time, she was able to stay for 1 1/2 days, which was awesome. Arthur even had the two of us play Uno with him, and Pamela got to be reminded of my crazy competitiveness – ha ha ha! I may have had revenge in mind toward my son after being given card after card making me draw cards. because of the rivalry between Arthur and I, Pamela was able to sweep in and win the game. Awesome!

And of course, there was the endless talking, laughing, and even crying. We watched movies and ate all the yummy food. Kevin even went out and picked up food for us from two different Italian restaurants when Pamela and I wanted things from both places. And we shared all the food and it was amazing. Because she didn’t fly out until the afternoon, she was even able to come to Relief Society with me, which I loved. These visits may be short, but they are pockets of peace, fun, and amazingness that both of us need.

This week, we had the most wonderful thing happen. After being closed for about five months for construction projects, the San Antonio Temple finally reopened!! On Friday, Derek, Lily and Arthur were up before the sun and did a 6am baptism session, which was fantastic.

Later that day, my sister Wendy joined Kevin and I for an endowment session. It was so wonderful to be in our temple again, and having Wendy come from Austin made it even better. I have so missed our monthly time in the temple together.

Another wonderful thing in all the hard, have been my morning walks. Even though all of my treatment, the only days I don’t go to the park for a walk are on Sundays. Kevin has been taking me most days, after seminary and before he heads to work, which is so awesome.

And when Kevin can’t go, Lily and Derek are right there to come with me instead. A few of my wonderful friends have come with me as well, including Lupita, Meagan, and Tanisha. It has been fantastic. I also have my visitors join me as well ;).

But one other note about Lily. She is one of the best things for our whole family right now. She is so kind, generous, and willing to help. She has been making dinner almost every day, helping with cleaning, and also has been getting Arthur to and from all the places he needs to be. Not to mention being a huge source of support and company for me. I can’t even express what a blessing it has been to have her home this semester (even though the internship she took the semester off for, never ended up happening).

Another really wonderful thing lately has been the help and support I have received from this wonderful non-profit group, Hope for Triumph. The program was founded by two kids when their mother, Charu, was battling cancer, and with them, she has made this organization thrive. One of the things they have done, was send cleaners to my home to clean for free, and it came at a time when I really, really needed that extra help.

This Saturday, there was a special “Walk Your Worries Away” 5K to raise awareness and money for the cause. Before we started the walk, there was a fantastic program with speakers and performances. And what I wasn’t expecting, was being called up on stage to join all the others who are in this same fight with me – battling cancer as well. It was so hard not to just start crying as I was overwhelmed with the love, support and camaraderie I felt up on that stage.

It had been storming off and on all morning, but the storm stopped just in time for us to walk the 5K. Derek and Arthur had other obligations, and so it was just Kevin, Lily and I, but it was wonderful. We were able to do the whole walk before the storm returned, and even had a gorgeous rainbow to great us on the trail. Definitely a good thing.

I am so grateful for all the good amidst the hard – for all the prayers, love, visits, blessings. They are the things that truly help us rise above these trials.