against the negative.  Sometimes I feel like I am constantly struggling to stay afloat and be positive.  Usually I win and am able to stay happy and positive about things, even if it is a struggle.  Today was definitely one of those days where I was really fighting off the sadness and such.  Today is when I lost the war, and so I decided to have a little pity party for myself, since I don't usually let myself indulge in such things.  Feel free to ignore my ranting/venting.

On the bad list:

• Kevin having to work a 24 hour staff duty shift the weekend before he left us for a week of training, and knowing how much the kids are going to miss him – not to mention myself.
• Kevin having to leave us for a week and be alone on his birthday – and having to leave so early, all I can remember is a quick kiss good bye.
• Losing the birthday card I bought him, and so I didn't even get to slip it in his luggage like I wanted.
• Being completely exhausted, and knowing that it is my fault for staying up too late.
• Having to throw out 8 unopened bags of flour, because even though they were stored in a rubbermaid container, the Georgia bugs still managed to get to my food storage.
• Being frustrated because I am not in control anymore in my calling – it is silly, but I really miss knowing everything that is going on and being able to fix the problems.  I am learning to sit back and take direction again, which is a hard transition, but I am trying.  It is still frustrating me though.
• Being so quick to be angry at my kids because all these other silly things are bothering me, when at the end of the day, they (and Kevin) are all that are really important, and the silly stuff means nothing.
• I haven't worked out in a month.  I may not look any different, but I feel completely unhealthy.

That's enough of that.  I just needed to vent.  Now for the good list, because I am not completely ready to give up on this fight . . .

The Good List:

• Waking up when Kevin kissed me good bye this morning.
• Lily leaving a message on Kevin's phone of her singing Happy Birthday :).
• A phone call from my mom – which was prompted by Derek accidentally calling her on my cell phone – which although it was random, it was just what I needed.
• My wonderful and amazing friend Kristi taking me to pick up our car at the airport, and then coming to play at our house afterward – which really helped distract me.
• Finishing Eclipse last night, and having it be wonderful!
• Finishing The Glass Castle on Saturday – which was amazing – so I could start reading Eclipse :).
• Having Kevin make it safely to Maryland.
• My best friend Katie and her family taking care of Kevin on his birthday (They live in Maryland) by picking him up at his hotel and dropping him off at the golf course so he could play on his b-day.  Then having him over for dinner afterward.  THANK YOU KATIE AND TONY!!!
• Getting a 20 minute nap this afternoon while my kids both decided to fall asleep.  (Lily doesn't take naps, and she usually the one who keeps me awake when I try to nap.)
• Making dinner, and having the last bit of flour that wasn't infested with bugs, be just enough for my recipe.
• Kristi inviting us to swim with them, and having a great time in the water with my kids.  I was so tired I had almost canceled, but I felt so much better afterward, that I am so glad I went.
• Having plans for every day that Kevin will be gone so that I stay busy instead of missing him too much.
• Kevin calling to wish us all goodnight.
• The pan of fudge in my fridge that I made this afternoon . . . which I am about to go enjoy :).
• And finally, my amazing husband and wonderful kids that love me so much.

Hmm, I think maybe I won the war today after all :).  Good night, I am going to go eat some fudge . . .